In a sea of layoffs, Apple is a lifeboat of stability

The Macalope has been riding Apple pretty hard about its terrible relationship with its retail workers. It really is terrible, though. Just awful.

You know it’s bad when they try not to pay them for the time they spend searching their bags and then they top it off by (allegedly) making a fake union to try to get them not to unionize.

I’m not mad, son. Just disappointed.

Still, there’s one lousy thing Apple hasn’t done to its employees lately (at least not yet) that all of its competitors have flocked to like bugs to a zapper. And that is to lay them off.

Let’s take a quick look around at the other companies rushing to dump those pesky employees. What did we ever hire them for?!

The Macalope must ask that you please hold your hissing until all of the layoffs have been announced.

• Google employees scramble for answers after layoffs hit long-tenured and recently promoted employees
• Microsoft mass layoffs reportedly impact Bethesda, Halo Infinite teams
• Amazon set to begin new round of layoffs affecting more than 18,000 people
• Facebook parent company Meta will lay off 11,000 employees

“HISSSSSSS”

Please! What did the Macalope say?! We’re not done yet!

• Spotify cuts 6% of its workforce — read the memo CEO Daniel Ek sent to staff
• Informatica to lay off 7% of its workforce to cut costs
• Salesforce to cut 10% of its global workforce in restructuring plan

Okay, hiss away. There are undoubtedly more but we don’t have all day and we have a lot of hissing to do.

HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

It’s weird how they all independently chose to lay off employees around the same time.

[SCENE: Amazon and Microsoft are on their breaks, smoking cigarettes out behind… Lake Union or something, I don’t know]

Amazon: So, uh, looks like the stock market wants us to lay off a bunch of employees.

Microsoft: Ugh, again?!

Amazon: Yeah. So, uh, so… how many employees are you laying off?

Microsoft: Uh, I hadn’t decided yet. How many are you laying off?

Amazon: I asked you first.

Microsoft: Uhhh… ten?

Amazon: Ten?!

Microsoft: THOUSAND. TEN THOUSAND.

Amazon: Ten thousand? I guess that’s fine. For you. I’m gonna do 18,000.

Microsoft: Well…

[Amazon flicks cigarette away]

Amazon: Catch ya later.

Microsoft: I… Uhnnnnnnnn.

Price collusion is a big problem in the business world but layoff collusion is apparently A-O-K.

It should go without saying that while it’s good to be treated with respect at the bargaining table, it’s also good not be shown to the curb like yesterday’s trash.

At least one Apple employee has taken it upon himself to tighten his belt in the current market.

“Tim Cook taking $50 million pay cut in 2023 at his own request”

Now, let’s be clear: Tim’s not hurting. Tim’s not switching from Cap’n Crunch to Western Family Generic Ship Captain Mouth-Cutting Breakfast Product. He’s still going to be making about $49 million, but that’s down from his $84 million take-home in 2022. Which he did take home and still has stuffed under his mattress. (It’s a huge mattress.)

Still, he’s just like you and me. He gets lowered into his pants every morning by a gold-plated Rube Goldberg machine, two legs at a time.

You don’t put your pants on that way? Huh.

It’s worth noting that this dramatic pay cut isn’t specifically being done to keep from having to lay anyone off, although $50 million could save thousands of jobs. No, it comes at the suggestion of shareholders, who simply seemed to think Cook was making too much. These are the same people who are probably wondering why Apple doesn’t also cut some of that dead weight. You know, the people who are doing all the coding and product development and stuff, that stupid junk.

Indeed, many of the companies that did cut heavily were rewarded with spikes in their share prices after the announcements, despite the fact that the research seems to indicate large layoffs do more damage than they’re worth. Unless, of course, your goal is to temporarily pump up your stock options. Then it works a treat.

Regardless of the reasons, it’s nice to see Apple does right by its employees by enacting executive pay cuts and not staging layoffs. Still, the Macalope can’t help but hope the company will someday decide it wants to be a triple threat and change its tune on unions.