Today’s kids love the iPhone because they’re afraid not to

As perhaps the world’s foremost authority on the Apple Doom Cult, headlines like these are a bit of a shock to the system.

“Apple’s Popularity With Gen Z Poses Challenges for Android”

Perhaps it’s because we’ve reached the final generation, Gen Z. We’re in the endgame now.

Younger Americans prefer Apple over rival companies by significant margins, driving a generational shift toward Apple devices and social pressure, the Financial Times reports.

This shocking news comes almost exactly 10 years after we were told that… just let the Macalope dust off this large binder full of clippings he keeps… ah, yes, here it is:

…in the eyes of today’s youth, massive popularity has watered down Apple’s coolness.

This was going to be a big problem for Apple to be sure. No one was ever going to buy Apple products again except the aged and decrepit. Moreover, the conclusion was that the big winner could be…

Are you sitting? Is your mouth clear of all fluids? Okay. Then the Macalope will proceed.

BlackBerry.

Yes, here’s an actual quote from 2013:

…Research In Motion (RIM) is attempting to move back into the youth space, and has aligned with a few youth-oriented brands, including Extreme International, to develop Blackberry-specific apps and mobile programs aimed at 16-20-year-olds.

“Back into the youth space”?! When was BlackBerry ever in the youth space?! That idea has a lot of “balding, middle-aged divorcé driving slowly through a college campus in a convertible” energy.

Anyway, needless to say, none of that happened.

Of course, today’s yoots (that’s how it’s pronounced, the Macalope will not be taking questions) are not the same yoots (NO QUESTIONS!) of 10 years ago. But, let’s face it, that was kind of hogwash at the time, no matter how old those kids are now. And not the premium hogwash you get at one of your artisanal hogwashing outfits, either. Standard, Great Depression-era government surplus hogwash. Barely got your hogs clean at all. Because other surveys at the time showed Apple products doing quite well with young people.

Sadly it seems today’s kids exist in a quantum state in which they are both alright and not alright depending on whether they are observed.

According to the report, younger consumers are concerned about being socially ostracised for not having an iPhone – a phenomenon that is driving young people to buy other Apple products and services, leading to growing market share across multiple product categories.

Okay, not cool, younger consumers. (Referring to kids as “younger consumers” is also not cool, but that’s a different problem.) No one should be ostracized based on what kind of phone they have or whether their chat bubbles show up as blue or green. And honestly, Apple should do something to make all this less obvious. The company almost certainly isn’t going to because, hey, free lock-in, but it should.

But the iPhone’s popularity with young people isn’t solely based on fear of being emotionally swirlied or metaphorically pantsed by Apple-using bullies. Because, as the research shows, the same trend toward preferring Apple products also exists in Europe, where iMessage use isn’t as prevalent.

The Macalope has pretty consistently been of the opinion that, yeah, of course, Apple products are popular with young people. They’re premium products and young people aren’t dummies. At the same time, they’re not “all that.” (Want to feel old? The time when kids used to say “all that” is closer to the Big Bang than it is to today. Fact.) Which is to say they’re not quite as popular as Piper Sandler says they are every year. As the Macalope has noted several times in the past, Piper Sandler’s surveys tend to leave out lower-income kids. Maybe those kids skew Android, maybe they don’t, but you can’t say “TEENS LOVE” unless you, you know, survey the teens.

Call the Macalope crazy, but he thinks those products from Apple are gonna be just fine. Hashtag controversial opinion.